Chanelle's Blog

I don’t want to follow the light

Chapter 1

(Photo by YCC)

Chapter 1

” Philip, did you look at the photos I sent to you yesterday?” Joliet’s voice just came from my phone. I could see her face there. She looked like she was expecting my comments.

” Yes, baby. I am so happy you had a great shopping yesterday. You have done a good job and I love you like crazy….” I smiled to Joliet and answered.

“Oh… why?” Joliet started to show her duck face. She always did this when she was in naught mood. She looked very cute, like a little girl.

” Because of your sparkle boots!!!” I teased her.

“Because of my sparkle crystal boots?” I saw Joliet still doing her duck face and she started to frown.

” No.. because we are the same kind.. and you are my best friend as well” I stopped teasing her and tried to make her better. I did not want my baby to get upset.

” Hmmmm….. we are the same kind…..but, I am an alien you know…. I could be any form at ay time; I could become your enemy or the fluid going everywhere I want…” Joliet started to become happy and gave me a naughty smile.

” Of course… baby, I know you could be anything you want to be……you are my sexy alien!!”

I was chatting with my lovely girlfriend Joliet. She is charming, sexy, clever and very very funny… And of course, she is an alien for sure.

” Philip, look at the bikini! This will be the bikini I wear in the pool party tomorrow after my meeting…” 

 I could see Joliet shaking a tiny bikini on her hand like she was putting a bait to attract fish.

” A red bikini with sea shells around the top of the bra edges…Oh la la.” I laughed and tried to look at that bikini carefully.

Suddenly a very bad pain came to my chest, but I could only feel it for few seconds. Afterwards I barely felt much; I just needed more air. I tried to take some deep breath but the air seemed very thin or disappeared that moment. My eyesight started deteriorating. I could still see Joliet’s face, she is so beautiful and I …. could not speak… I could’t even hold my phone properly. 

Eventually my phone just sided to the floor. I could’t think anything…. I heard Joliet kept calling me

” Philip, Philip… Philip….”…. but I just could’t make any sound….”baby….” I tried to answer her and yelled loudly internally….

I tried very hard but I still could not… then everything went dark….

I didn’t know how long it has been already. I was just stiff somehow… I felt comfortable but I noticed that I was not laying down. It seemed like I was floating in the air…..and  strangely… I am naked!!!

I didn’t feel any pain, I felt peaceful… and weightless. Everything seemed so harmony. I felt I was in a cloud……because everything was pure white.

Suddenly, one light just broke through the sky in front of me. I had the feeling that I wanted to go close to the light. I wanted to grab the light and followed it to somewhere nice. Yes, go to somewhere nice, somewhere wonderful and no worries. I would not remember anything and forget all troubles in the past after I reach this place. That would be no pain, no worries, and just peace in the direction of the light….

I moved and raised one arm, looked at the light and tried to grab it. Gradually, I was very close to the light. Yes… I was going to a very nice place….

” Philip…..Where are you? Why don’t you answer me???” One distanced female sound just popped into my ears…. 

“Who is she? The sound is so familiar, like someone I know”.

Although I felt I still wanted to go with the light, this sound made me feel hesitate and a little bit sad?

“Philip….where are you? The sound entered into my ears again. This time was different; although the sound seemed from very far away and so weak, but I could hear it clearly. Somehow my heart started to felt pain suddenly.

” She is…..?”  I was thinking.

” Come to us. Your time is up. Here is your place”. A deep male sound came though the light talking to me…

” You are……?”

I looked up at the light. Suddenly one thought came to my mind . I realise….I am dead!!!…

The light was from the angel.. and the place was heaven….And the female sound must be from….. my baby!!!!

Joliet was calling me.. She was crying…. I could tell she was heart broken….She was so sad.. and she needed me….

“‘ Come to us, we are waiting for you” the male sound repeated it 

” May I , not follow this light now? I promise I will come back later.” I asked this question carefully to the sound hiding in the light. I was more calm at that moment. I knew what’s going on. The light was from the angels ( or God). They wanted to pick me to the heaven. But I could not go there now. Joliet was still there alone. She must be shocked. I needed to be with Joliet to comfort her. I didn’t know how but I just knew I shall not follow this light now. 

It is just I shall not tell ” him” directly what I want. Maybe asking to see her one more time would be a better idea for now?

” Where do you want to go?” the male sound asked me.

“Hmmm, if it is possible, may I see my girlfriend one more time? 

I knew it was not a common request to ask, but I did wish God will allow me to do so. Joliet was really a very special person to me and I would be much happier if I could see her again before going to the heaven permanently.

I talked a lot and tried to give all excuses to convince him. I looked up and wished he would say yes, even this would unlikely happen. According to all movies and stories I watched and read, I have never heard any spirit could stay with mortals and not follow the light.

After some while (for me it was very long like million years), I felt I would almost give up my hope. The sound came again. 

“Yes, you may stay and see her again. We have an arrangement for you. Michael will bring you there and he will let you know what to do”

After he finished this talk, I could see the light became more blurred to dim out. Then one strong light with round shape just appeared in front of my face.

” Let’s go”, the angel said. He smiled to me and took my hand.

“Philip…. is this real? Or it is just a silly joke?” One woman was crying in the bed. She kept pulling her hair strongly like she was trying to find answers from it.

” You have told me that you will leave this world later than me because you know I could not bear with it…” She kept murmuring with crying tone.

“ Now you are gone!! Why did you arrange this silly party. You could leave earlier as you said. You are so stupid”

A non-stop talk from women appeared to my ear. It sounded like Joliet but it was so sad and hoarse.

Initially I didn’t know where I was. The angel ( I assume he is Michael) just took my hand and at one glance I was here….

This place looks like a hotel room….

Oh yes, Joliet told me she would come to Istanbul for a business trip. She said there will be a big deal there and she has to take care some important clients.… This must be her hotel room.

The room was very luxurious and spacious. You could see besides the bed Joliet was on, there was a big wardrobe with a 3 seater sofa in this room. The shoes and the bikini she showed me early on were laying there with other luggages. The most stunning feature of this room is the view, you could see Ayasofya Muzesi from the window. 

Joliet was laying on her bed. She was wearing a black skin tight body suit. She was crying quietly….and loudly… and quietly… The air conditioning was blowing hard in the room. However Joliet looked pretty wet. I was not sure it was because her non-stop tears or it was simply she was sweating. 

Joliet kept talking to herself. She ooked cold and calm this moment… Then she cried loudly and lose the control the next second…

I could tell Jolie must have lost her mind…. I have never saw her like this. She always stayed calm, even when she was very very mad….

Deeply in my mind I knew, she must be very very sad… about me. My heart felt pain again. What in my mind now was to comfort her.

” Maybe I just need to take a nap… it is just a dream, you will be here again when I am up”.

Joliet talked to herself and gave herself a big smile. She looked like she had decided maybe the magic will happen after she woke up. 

After Joliet finished this saying, I saw Joliet took off her suit, then took a gun out of her pillow.

“ What? Gun? Why does she have a gun?? Is she going to kill herself? Oh no!!” I was shocked when I saw Joliet took a gun out. I turned my head and looked at Michael. I believe I looked like a maniac at that time. 

“ Just stay calm. She will be fine”

Michael broken this silence and talked me….

I turned my head back and looked at Joliet. Michael was right. Joliet just left the gun on her night stand; the night stand was filled with lots of empty liquor bottles. Then she felt asleep.

“ Phew, my poor Joliet” I felt relived and sad at the same time.

“ So now you have met her. We shall leave for now. But don’t worry, she will be yours soon”. Michael talked to me again. His saying got my attention.

” Sure, yes, thank you for bringing me here to see her again. Wait…, you said she will be mine? What did you mean?” I was still focusing on Joliet and did not pay much attention at what Michael said.

I did not understand what Michael meant ” she will be yours later”. I thought I could only see her one more time then I have to leave her forever. 

“ I said, you will return to her and she will be yours when you complete the guardian internship” Michael explained.

“Guardian angel internship?” I repeated 

” Yes, technically you are her guardian angel in probation period now”. Michael looked at me with a glance of smile.

” Her guardian angel!! Yeah.. that sounds cool!” I could not control myself and started to cheer up.

” A guardian angel… means I can be with her all the time. This is so gooooood!!” I kept thinking and could not stop my smiling.

“ Yeah, if I am her guardian angel, I could see her and stay with her all the time. I see, that was God’s arrangement.” I became very cheerful.

I became more calm, I realise I have to fulfill the condition what God arranged, so I could return to Joliet and maybe stay with her for long time.

“So what shall I do to be her guardian angel properly?”

I don’t want to ruin this opportunity. so I decided to stay cool and asked Michael formally

“ Firstly you need to learn the rules of being a guardian angel. I will teach you step by step. Then you will have opportunities to practice all knowledge and skills you’ve learn. Afterwards you will be her official guardian angel officially”. Michael explained to me patiently.

” Protect her, keep her safe.. And keep the others safe” Michael added, then he gave me a larger smile.

” keep her safe.. And keep the others safe? But I will be her guardian angel only….will I also become other people’s guardian angels? Strange..” 

I felt so confused and kept thinking about what Michael said. I would like to ask Michael more but before that I would like to check if Joliet was feeling better. When I raised my head and tried to find out how Joliet was, I have noticed that we have left her hotel room and in a path with rapid shooting lights.

“ Let’s start.” Michael stood next to me and said.

Song: I can’t go on without you ( Beale Street music festival, May 2018)

I am sitting at the place you were sitting

looking at the same sea you were seeing

The scenery is the same

But you will not be here again

I can only stay here alone

Listen to our songs again and again

Can you see what I see?

Can you feel what I feel?

My tears bring my questions to the sea

And they are just sinking to the deep

“Baby I am here with you”

A familiar sound suddenly just came to me

My heart beats faster

The dim flame of hope is rising again

But where are you?

“I am inside of you. I am you and you are me”

“could see what you see

I could feel what you feel”

Then we are not alone

‘Coz I am with you and you are with me

诗：海边的座位

  我坐在你坐的地方

  看着你看到的同一海

  风景一样

  但是你不会再来了

  我只能独自待在这里

  一次又一次地听我们的歌

  你看得到我看到的吗？

  你能感觉到我的感觉吗？

  我的眼泪把我的问题带到了大海

  而他们正沉入深渊

  “宝贝，我在这里与你同在”

  突然传来熟悉的声音

  我的心跳加快

  希望的朦胧火焰再次升起起

  但是你在哪呢？

  “我在你心里面。我是你，而你是我”

  “我可以看到你所看到的

  我能感觉到你的感觉”

于是我们并不孤单了

因为我与你在一起，而你与我在一起